The empty white and light grey room where I am living -or maybe surviving- since 2 months is oppressing me. It's impersonal, totally closed and smells of chlorine. Super light grey on the wall, grey on the floor, white bed, white clothes, white table, white chair. Everything here seems too pure to be good. The window bars only allow me to see some tiny pieces of a flowered garden where they never let me go. In fact, they never let me go outside of this room, even to give me some medication. I'm not in prison but it's exactly the same.
There is nothing for me here to entertain myself exept an old boring book, paper and a pencil. Why they saved me if it's to put me here? Maybe it's good to be alive but if I have to be alive I want to be able to enjoy life properly. Walk on a pretty garden, make friends, listen music and why not found love. I know it would be difficult in this shitty and crazy world with those nasty people, I admit it, but this is not worst than this place.
The sound of the key on the lock take me out of my thoughts. I hope this is Chohee. She is always kind with me, bringing me bun filled with jam if meal was more inedible than usual. I saw her charming body enter into my room and coming to me after pushing the door a little bit closed. She has a sweet smile on her face and I instantly see that she has cut her hair short.
“Hello Jonghyun. How do you feel today?” She says to me while filling a glass of water. “I've heard that you didn't ate all your plate at noon.”
“Sorry noona, but it smelled weird and I had nausea.”
“You're the only one that didn't ate all its plate. Here, take your medication.” No bun for me today... “Anyway, you didn't answered my question. How do you feel?”
“I'm tired to stay in this room. I want to go to the garden or in the common room.” I finaly reply before taking my pills.
“Many people who go to the common room are on an extremely serious mental condition you know. You're kind of normal compare to them. And they do activities with dangerous material for you.”
“But the garden...”
“You're not allowed to go before you see Doctor Lee.”
“When I'll see him? I'm here since two months and I've only seen you and an other nurse.”
“I've already told you that he prefer examine you by the camera in the up corner for the moment. But I think you will meet him soon.”
Chohee takes my blood pressure and pulse rate before continuing.
“I'll talk to the doctor then. Sorry but I have to go, other patients wait me.”
“Is it you tomorrow?”
“No, remember I don't work on fridays.”
“How can I know witch day we are if I'm locked here?”
“See you on saturday Jonghyun. And please, eat your meals.” she says on a sigh before leave me alone.
The week after that, I finaly can meet the Doctor Lee. I am so shocked that he look younger than me. Or maybe it's because of his long chesnut hair tied at the back, his slim body and his full cheeks. There is also something of Chohee on his face, maybe they are from the same family.
He comes to me to shake my hand and I can see his child's eyes behind his serious glasses.
“I'm glad to meet you Jonghyun. Come, take a seat. Do you feel good here?”
“Um, that's a weird place, right? And also you're depressive, you can't feel good obviously.”
What a strange man... I follow him on his office near to my room, sit down on a green velvet sofa and look around me. The room is very dark, not much light, brown curtains, dark blue on the walls, an ebony and gold desk. Its look very grim.
“So Jonghyun, talk me about your life in details. From your first memories. It would be interesting to understand why you attempt to kill yourself.”
“My first memory....Maybe it's a picnic with my parents and my noona when I was 3 or 4 years old. I think we just adopted a dog.”
Then, every week I saw the doctor and tell him about all my story, crying sometime when it's about my parents and my sister. They had to give me a lot of tranquilizer for few days when I told him about the car crash that took my family. Weeks pass and the doctor doesn't let me go outside, he says that it's bad for me because it show too much happiness...
Four months later, Doctor Lee ask to see me on an unusual day. He looks weirdest than as usual and I really feel uncomfortable. I don't know why does he acts like this with me.
“Jonghyun, now you have told me all you life with its misery, why don't we talk about the reasons of your suicide attempt?”
He suddenly stand up and go open the window. The only window without bars. On the third floor.
“Why do you open the window?! I'm still depressed and maybe more than when I enter this mental hospital! What if I go to the window and throw myself from it?!”
“Come on Jonghyun, you wont do it. You told me you would try to enjoy life when you will leave this place.”
“But I can't do it for now and I still regret that all we ate is mixed because I would like to cut myself to escape from here and this awfull world!”
“Well, so come and throw yourself since you want it so much.”
He says this lazily while returning to his leather chair without looking at me. I get deep in the sofa. I am totally afraid of this guy now.
“Are you mad?!” I shout out.
“I think I need to be mad to understood my patient well, don't you think so?”
“You can't be the real doctor Lee Taemin that everyone mention as a good person!”
“Oh, you want to see 'that' Lee Taemin? You never meet anyone, How can you know this?”
“Chohee told me!”
“Okay, you will meet 'that' Lee Taemin.” His poker face turn into a smiling illuminated face. “Hello sweety~ I'm Doctor Lee Taemin, do you want a candy?”
He comes to me with a little box full of candies and sit next to me. I try to hold up my tears but some of them escape from my eyes and his face comes closer.
“Oh sweety you're crying! Please, tell daddy what's wrong, ok?”
“You're mad...you're really mad!”
“I'll tell to the direction!” I want to runaway but he block my body.
“Really sweety? Do you think they will trust a depressed patient of a mental hospital like you or a high graduate doctor in psychatry like me?”
He's right. If I tell that he is not the kind doctor everyone think he is, they will think that I'm crazy and I will never leave this hospital. Even Chohee wont trust me.
“Good boy. Take a candy now. Everything is better with a candy in the mouth.”
I take one and eat it, I might not make him hungry but I don't know to what extent I could bear him and his madness. He go close the window and comeback to me, take my face on his hand and look at me with only few centimeters between your faces.
“You will never leave this place until I let you die sweety.”
I hit him on the face and start to runaway from him. He's not mad, he is the devil. He grabs my hair with strenght and throw me against his desk.
“Jonghyun, I though you were a good boy... You scuffed my pretty face, I have to punish you now.”
He presses his body against mine, put his hand on my private part under my pants and bite my neck.
“I'll be kind, I'll let you choose your punishment. Do you prefer to stay in my personal jail with brocken bones or do you prefer to stay in this nice place, shut up, be my doll and eat my candy?” I can't answer him, I want to die. “I think you should choose to stay here sweety.”
Taemin move his hand on my parts and I can't hold a moan and become hard. Fucking human body!
“Look, your body answered for you. Nice choice sweety.” I cry and feel his lips next to my ear. “Talk about it at anyone and will know it and torture you for years in my jail. Oh I forgive! You can't talk to anyone by the way.”
“What?! I can talk to Chohee!”
“You're really stupid sweety... I am Chohee. Their is only you and I here. Why do you think I never let you go out your room except to coming here? No one care about you, you will not be missing and your life will be nothing but a nightmare. Now I want to give you my candy, I hope your ass is ready sweety.”
My life was bad dream that turn into a nightmare when I met the madder and smartest human in this world.